Are you raising your child to be a black belt- or a quitter?

Disclaimer- this may not be my most popular message, but it is true.  And, sometimes the truth isn’t easy to hear. 

Parents, are you raising your child to be a black belt, or a quitter?

I’ve been teaching the martial arts now since the 1990’s.  And, I’ve noticed a distinct cultural shift in parenting.  These days, moms and dads often shift their focus from a parental / leadership role with their young kids to a friendship / co-equal role with them.  In my experience, this is not helpful, and I see this manifest itself quite a lot.  How does this look to us?  Well, the cartoon kind of expresses it quite well. 

Parents often bring their kids in to learn self-discipline and healthy habits.  And, both the parents and children are excited about this when it starts.  It’s really fun!  However, that fun quickly also includes hard work.  When the hard work becomes notable, and it becomes tied to progression, children may “lose interest” and “not want to do it anymore.”  So, what is a parent supposed to do when your 10 year old child comes and says that they don’t want to train in the martial arts any longer?  Well, you need to be the parent! 

Let’s put it this way.  If your 10 year old child came to you and said they didn’t want to go to school any more, what would you do?  Would you let them quit?  Of course not!  So, why would you let them quit the very activity that you brought them to which helps them learn responsibility, respect, integrity, courtesy, discipline, and self-control?  (It amazes me when a parent calls me up, and says, “My child doesn’t want to train any longer.  And, I don’t want to force them to do something they don’t want to do.”)   When did this become parenting?  If you didn’t force your child to do things that he or she didn’t want to do, they would probably still be in diapers and would be eating cake for dinner.  And, as has already been noted, many kids would never go to school if their parents didn’t “force” them to do so.

Your job, as a parent, is to give your child guidance.  They need it, and they will thank you for it when they are older.  (Now there’s a difference between guidance and proper parenting versus abusive parenting.  So, don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way.)  With that said, your job as mom or dad is to be a parent to your child- not to be a friend.  When they are an adult, then you can be more friendly.  As a child- they need you to provide structure and guidance.  If you do not provide this, and you allow them to decide to do something different than what you know is best for them, then you are likely hurting them more than you are helping.

As we start this school year, we have many new students come in and begin training with us- both adults and kids.  Folks are very excited, and I probably should have waited to write this until people were less excited (usually around the holidays- when the excitement is more focused around family and eating).  But, I wanted to write it now so that people could begin with the right mentality and help their children focus correctly. 

Training in the martial arts is like learning a language.  It takes time and dedication, and you are only going to reap the benefits if you stick it out.  With kids, that means that parents have to do their job, and there will be times you have to “force” your child to come to class.  Do it!  Force them!  Make them understand that you are the parent; you know what’s best, and doing otherwise is not acceptable.

I don’t know anybody who has been successful in a long-term endeavor who hasn’t wanted to “quit” at some point during the process. 

There’s an expression in the martial arts.  “A black belt is nothing more than a white belt who never quit.”  Don’t quit.  And, don’t let your children quit. We aim to help you, and help your children, to become black belts- not only in the martial arts, but black belts in life.  We can only do that if you don’t let them quit when things get hard.